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Sunday, 08 August 2010

Currently
Heart of Everything
By Within Temptation
All I Need.
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I can't believe it has been almost two years since I've been on here. I just finished reading back all the way to posts I made in 2006.

I've come to realize I miss a lot of people and a lot of past times. Being fifteen is something I miss quite a bit, I'll be twenty in about six months. I don't miss it because it was easy or anything, in fact it was quite hard at times, but I miss the people I used to associate with at that point in my life.

I still do associate with a few of them. Mainly only one though. I'm glad that she is still a part of my life. Four years ago, she was the first person in a new and unfamiliar environment to offer me friendship. I will never ever forget that. Since then she has been an amazing friend, always there for me. Not sure I can ever repay the gift that she gave to me. The gift of friendship. But I can try.

In other news, I graduated last may. Ten months late. But better late than never I suppose. Now I sit in my dad's barbershop with him every weekend, observing, asking questions. My apprentice papers are almost entirely filled out. I just need a few last details and then off it shall go. I intend to help out in the barbershop A. To help my dad, and B. To help myself save for college tuition so that I can take the necessary courses to attain my desired degrees in computers and the science of counseling/marriage, family, and child therapy.

Working on getting my driver's license. I realize it's quite a bit later than most but oh well. Again better late than never.

Lets see what else is new. . . Oh my old friend Danny started speaking to me last march after one year of no contact. He graduated Wyotech on June 18th. I went and surprised him. His mom was a big help in setting that up. He and I started spending time together again. At first it was every few days. June 19th, 21st, 25th, and 29th. Then it became less and I didn't see him again until July 10th. And then more time would go between visits. I saw him July 20th and 21st. Sadly enough I haven't seen him since July 21st.

Both the distance and his new job make it hard for us to see each other. One more reason for me to get my license, no?

I miss him.

I know what's going on though. It happened before with my friend Donavon one year and almost five months ago when everything started getting worse with my grandfather's illness. He was constantly in hospitals, things were taking a really really big downward turn and every moment of every day we were all terrified of what was coming. We knew it was coming, I think that it was not knowing when it was coming that made things so frightening and hard.

Anyways. Donavon became my life line through all of it. I clung to him (though he was living in Texas again at the time) he was the equivalent to my oxygen. His phone calls got me through each and every day. For several months he called me every single night and I became dependent on him. I couldn't function through a day without hearing his voice.

But there was more to it than my grandfather. I had and still have so many unresolved issues.. he became the source that numbed the void within my life, he fixed it temporarily.

I only last Wednesday went back to my counselor to tell her I need help. I don't want to be broken anymore. I want to be able to live my life and I want every last issue from the last 9 years to just go away and leave me alone but I don't know how to get through it...I never really dealt with any of it and I'm at a point where I just need help....I want to be okay again. I want to just gut it all out of my system and be okay.

As I was saying, The both of us developed feelings for each other throughout this...not that it went anywhere.

When our friendship ended four months ago because of his then-girlfriend, now ex. I was absolutely devastated.

I had to learn to breathe on my own again, and then one month later Danny came back into my life.

That void that I've been trying not to think about, the empty brokenness that never does go away that I've been pushing away. Every issue... I've been locking away so that it wasn't bothering me....at least not on a conscious level. It's all so very present right now, Not because of him...I don't really know why...sometimes it just likes to rear it's ugly head and make me miserable.

It's happening again with him. Danny I mean. Where I'm looking for someone to numb it...To temporarily fix it.

Understand that that's not the only reason he's in my life again. He was once my best friend. I could tell him anything and everything. I miss that. Hopefully I'll see him sometime this month. We were supposed to go to the fair but his new job prevented that. I went with my cousin instead. I saw two old friends that I hadn't seen for 9 years, last Sunday and Monday.

hmmm what else, what else.

I'm slowly but surely learning something my counselor and I concluded at our last meeting. I will always have a friend, never a mom. Apparently my mother has and always will view me as a rival..someone who gets in her way. Apparently, she doesn't know how to be my mother. That's really funny considering I can watch her be a mom to my siblings as well as to other people's children...So I know for a fact that she's capable of being a mom...Apparently it's just me she's incapable of being a mother to how unfair is that?

It's a harsh reality to face...A painful one. I know how many times I must have told people I hated her, how many times I told people she lost the right to be my mom 9 years ago...do you want the truth? I'm scared. She hurt me so very badly...she destroyed me. And what's worse? I want her to be my mom so badly...I just want her to see me.

I want her to see everything that she caused, EVERYTHING that I've felt and experienced since that day. I want her to feel everything that I've felt... I want her to realize and understand.

I just want my mom..

But as I said..it's been a rather harsh realization that I never will have a mom....only a friend.

I'm still in a learning process, I still have a lot of growing to do...It's going to take a while before I can really accept it and stop both hoping and expecting things to change.

I suppose that's what Durlynn is for...she's been helping me since I was ten years old. Off and on. Visits were not consistent after a little while, but I was always welcome to call and email if I needed. And I did so when I felt I needed to.

While I was in North Carolina from May 8th to June 12th. My mother and I got into a fight over a girl she plays the part of a mom to. I said something along the lines of You're MY mom....not hers. MINE. Mature? Not really. How I felt? Entirely.

What did she say? She told me that I didn't understand. That this girl had a horrible home life, came from a broken home, her sister had left, her step-dad treated her poorly, she self-harmed , etc.

I'm just like... "Seriously mom? Have you forgotten that I too come from a broken home. My brothers left too...they're in another state just like you. Have you forgotten that I once self-harmed? Have you forgotten that I too need a mother as many times as I deny the fact? Have you forgotten that neither do I have the best of lives?"

I didn't actually say all of that but I sure thought it. I wanted so badly to tell her. "If I go back...If I do it all again...Cutting, Marijuana, Smoking...If I start it all up again...Will you be my mom? Will you pay attention then? What will it take? Do you want me to go have sex? Do you want me to get pregnant at 19? What will it take? What are these other people's children giving you that I can't or that I'm not??? Why won't you just be my mom?"

I know that she wouldn't...I know that going back to it all wouldn't make it different. But I can't help but miss the temporary relief. From...everything.

It would probably help if I told you the conclusion that she would never be my mom, just a friend ... came from the fact that whilst visiting her she told me that she had only been a mother twice....Yep...basically told me I didn't count as one of her children...there are three of us. Anyyyways.....

I'm not quite sure what else to update on...perhaps I'll go write some more of that letter I'm supposed to write but not send...Perhaps I'll listen to some music or go watch something on netflix.

Oh on an uplifting and positive note. Durlynn wrote a book called "Dear mom and dad: Remember me?" It's a book that helps younger children and teens learn to cope with divorce. She had me write the forward for it. It comes out nationally in the next couple of months.

Can you believe that ? My writing. Published. Nationally.

Wow.

I personally can't wait for my copy.

I suppose that's it...I really should start updating this more often so that my posts don't become so incredibly lengthy.
Bye for now.

Monday, 24 November 2008

Currently
Twilight Soundtrack
Leave Out All The Rest
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~*~Random Survey~*~

Do you like sharpies? Yup
What's your favorite color sharpie? They're all pretty cool
How much do you like sharpies? Uh, they're neat <3
Do you like the smell of sharpies? I actually do lol
Sharpies are mad addictive, right? I wouldn't say addictive
How old are you? 17
How long have you been 17? A while...[Lol Twilight <3]
What was the last movie you saw, in theaters. And with who? I saw Twilight <3 November 20/21, 2008 12:01am
With Phillip, Bekah, and Griffin.
Do you have a digital camera? Yepp i do.
What's your name? Brittany
Have you ever lost someone close to you? Yes i have
Do you like brownies? Yep
Are you proud to be an american? Where at least i know i'm free? *breaks into random chorus*
What color is your room? White
Can you cook? Oh yes
Do you read? I do
Are you a male or female? Female
How long is your hair? Pretty long
Is it straight or curly? Straight
What color is your hair currently? Brown, Blonde, Red, and Purple
Is it natural? No
If not, how long has it been that color? 5 days
What is your natural hair color? Blonde
Have you ever colored your hair in any way? Obviously
Height? 5'3"
Eye Color? Blue-Grey
When do you get up? When i feel like it
Do you think you look good right now? Not at all
Are you IMing anyone? Yep
Are you talking on the phone with someone? Not yet
Are you tired? Very
Have you been on an airplane before? Once, soon to be twice.
Where were you going? My brothers wedding in Atlanta, and now Atlanta again to spend Christmas with my family members who are over there.
Have you ever gone on a road trip with your friends? Nope
Have you ever stayed online for more than 10 hours straight? Yes
Have you been to Australia? Nope
Do you want to visit Australia? Yes
Have you ever bought clothes at Walmart? I love Walmart <3
Have you ever waxed your eyebrows? Yep
Are you thinking about anyone? Mhm
Who? N.O.Y.B
Are you e-mailing or texting anyone? No
Have you ever been kissed? No
Do you think you'll have sex before you're married? No
Have you ever had a song with someone else? Yep
Could you handle a long distance relationship? Yeah
If you could project yourself into the past, where would you go? I can think of a few places
If you saw an old woman running, What reason do you think she was running? I don't really know.
Is Orange Juice good? It's more than good. I LOVE Orange Juice <333
Have you ever been in a taxi? Yep
Have you been in a car accident? Yep
Who in your life will always be there for you? I'm not sure.
If you could trade places with anyone for one day, who would it be? Depends, can we trade bodies too? Cause if so, then Brittany May.
Have you ever tried fried ice cream? I have an it's delicious
Isn't Robert Pattinson(Think Twilight) hideous? Why or Why Not? I wouldn't call him hideous, He's not ugly at all. He's just not my Edward.
Is there someone you believe that you will always be attracted to? Mhm
What does the last text message in your inbox say? "Just wanted to say sorry i couldn't call, had to work. Hope you had a great day, Miss you and i will try to call after work tomorrow."
What about your outbox? "I miss you too =] i hope you're having an amazing day."
Do you have unlimited texting? I do
Does anyone call you babe? Yup
Do you want someone back in your life? Yup
Do you still talk to the person you fell hardest for? No
Do you think you will be in a relationship three months from now? It's possible.
Do you have a teddybear? A few
If money was no object would you change your wardrobe? I might
What's the last song you sang out loud? I Caught Myself - Paramore
Were you excited to learn to drive, or scared? Terrified
When was the last time you felt incredibly tired? Now
Do you think that you make a good first impression? Not at all
Would you rather break up with someone? Or have them break up with you? Have them break up with me, I don't have the heart to break up with people.
Think of the last person you talked to..Do you love him/her? Mhm
Are you afraid of losing someone you love? Mhm
Who are you most attached to? A few someones
What goes through your mind when someone breaks up with you? It varies
What goes through your mind when someone asks you out? Again, It varies.
What goes through your mind when you see someone who is very thin? Jealousy
Have you made a bff online? Yep
Do you wear a necklace everyday because of who gave it to you? Mhm
Are you sniffing markers while you take this? No
Have you ever had both legs fall asleep? Yep
What color are your nails? Silver with Black tips
Isn't Snoopy amazing? Indeed....kinda reminds me of a certain play. lol.
Ever been camping in a tent? I have, when i was younger me and my brothers used to put our tent on the deck outside and sleep in it.
Do you say "ish" a lot? Sometimes.

Saturday, 22 November 2008

Twilight Movie Survey

TWILIGHT MOVIE xD

So I take it you saw the movie...
How was it?: November 20, 2008 12:01am
Were the books better?: Yeah
I haven't seen it yet.. do you think I should?: Yeah
Have you read all the books?: I have
which was you favorite?: Impossible to choose
Did you picture the charecters different?: Yes
If so, which ones?: Edward, Jasper, Esme, Carlisle, Alice, and a few others.
What did they look like?: Amazing
space for the last question: Amazing
more space: Amazing
If/when they make the other books into movies will you see them?: Yes i will
which will be your favorite?: I'm not sure
Do you have a different favorite character now? because of the movie?: Nah
if yeah, who was your favorite before?: ..
Whats you favorite thing about Alice?: Mm she's all graceful walking off the tree branch into the house and goes "hey bella" and gives her a big random hug. Then tells everyone not to worry cause her and Bella are going to be good friends
Is it your favorite movie now?: No
What was your favorite part?: Uhmm A few parts. But the hospital scene was definately one of them
Do you think they could've made it better?: I do
Do you think the girl that plays Bella is ugly?: Not at all
Who would you cast as Bella?: Kristen Stewart(Already Cast)
Are you going to buy one of "Bella's engagement rings"?: I might
how about one of her bracelets?: Yes
Do you have any Twilight gear?: I do
I bet you wore it to the movie.. didnt you?: LOL Yeah
Who did you see the movie with?: My best friend
Did you take your bf/gf?: You could say that. He's a boy and my friend.
Anything about the movie you would like to complain about?: Mhm
Are you going to tell your friends to see it?: Sure
Did you preorder your tickets?: Nah i went into the theater and bought mine the day before
Did you download Bella's lullaby?: Nope got it on the disc
Are you going to get the soundtrack?: I have it
Are you a fan of Muse?: I am
Did you read The Host?: I did
Was it as good as the Twilight saga?: I wouldn't say one was better than the other.
Do you think the acting was done well?: For the most part
Did you notice that the guy that plays Edward is also in Harrry Potter?: No
Do you think thats funny? I happen to.: No
If someone made fun of Twilight books or the movie would you be offended?: Very Much So
...would you want to hurt them?: Very Much So
Is Jacob annoying?: Not at all
Could you tolerate him?: Forever
Do you have a personal Jacob? I do.: I wish
How about a personal Edward?: Mm <3
Anything else thats similar to your life?: Mhm

Fill out this survey yourself
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Saturday, 18 October 2008

Currently Listening
Comatose
By Skillet
The Older I Get
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Reflection

She'll sit by herself, pen in her hand
Disecting her thoughts into grains of sand.
Writing at one point, was her aspiration
The words poured from her soul like an inner salvation.

Her writing was more, more than just that
It was a way to try to move on from her past.
But her past didn't go, It clung like a glue
Reminding her constantly with memories by the few.

It never did take more than just one,
They thought she was strong....
But it took just a glimpse, and she was off at a run.

And now she'll sit, alone and confused.
Emotions, for the moment, suppressed and diffused.
She'll look into the distance and her mind will wander

She'll sit quietly, pen in her hand
Wondering just how to word every thought that she has.

Her pen, It moves...like a will of it's own
Trying to sort out a proper tone.
But no matter the words that she writes down,
Nothing seems to make the right sound.

And so she'll sit, pen in hand
Her every thought like grains of sand
Endless, like the ocean blue
Will wait in silence until their time is due.

She tried once to write them down
But every word sounded wrong

Some day, her time will come
And on that day her words will flow,
like the most beautifully imperfect song.
A song of wonder, of aspiration, of beauty, pain, and imperfection.
And at the end, they'll all see the beauty in her imperfections.
They'll finally see her true reflection.